DRIVING HUMOUR / ENTERTAINMENT

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Traffic Weaves (or knits!)

A policeman spotted a woman driving  and knitting at the  same time.  Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
 "No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"

Designated driver

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. 
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. 
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light." 
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said:
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Parking Solutions

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. 
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 for the principal, and $20.30 in Interest" , the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"   
The man smiled and said:
"Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?

Parents in a hurry

A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at an intersction where it isn't allowed and says  to his son:
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Fresh air experience

A very pretty lady had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.   Miraculously, she  managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when a police cruiser  arrived.
- "My God!" the officer gasped.
- "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you  OK ma'am?"

- "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the girl chirped.

- " Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

- "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the girl began.
- "I was driving along  this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.  So I  swerved to the right, and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left  and there was ANOTHER tree!"   "I swerved to the right and there was another tree!"     "I swerved to the left and there was...."

- "Uh, ma'am" , the officer said, cutting her off,
- "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 km. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Super Granny!

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice:

"I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

(True story!)

(Many thanks to Anka T. for the submissions above!)